Mr. Sad Boy

Mr. Sad Boy                                                                 

 Zareena Hill. Everywhere I go I see pieces of her. From the student that’s strolling to their 9am 

class in pajamas to the old man on the train creasing his paperback book. Every little thing my mind can randomly at any given moment brings me back a Tsunami of memories. Yet, after all these months of trying to pretend she never existed not much had changed. I still loved her. Zars. My Zars. Nor anymore and not ever. 

9:08am

Damn I’m going to be late to meet Baba at the tea shop, the C train takes its sweet time like people don’t have shit to do. “Well hello there Brother Musa” I look up to see a familiar fang smile. 

“It’s me Alan”

“Al-” Immediately I remember Alan who right now doesn’t look like the Alan I knew. I haven’t seen him since I was in high school and he wore the same baggy clothes but would sing every Friday outside the Central Park Zoo the latest pop songs. “Alan? Assalam Walikum” as I pull him into a big bear hug. Alan has always been a hugger but he always smelled of old cigarettes and coffee but today he smells like cinnamon. “Walaikum Assalam and are you smelling me?” he says chuckling. I pull away from the far too long hug to really look at my old friend. He looked so much better. His big curly hair was even bigger, his clothes were a tad less baggy but far cleaner than most of his fits and his smile was brighter. “I was smelling you to see if you were real, it’s been almost 3 years what have you been up to?” And there I hear it the dusty C train is heading to the tracks. “You taking the C?” he ask. “Better take it and take my number down we have a lot to catch up on.” We quickly exchange numbers and I try to reach Baba before he loses his mind.

9:40

There he was sitting with his head buried in his phone with a scrunched up face. “Assalamualaikum I’m not too late” I say, taking a seat across from him. “Walaikum Assalam Musa. And for anyone I would say this is late but for you this is early.” I smile at my father who I know for a fact will ruin my day sooner or later. “So my son, what have you been up to?You are still talking to that girl?” He says cold and harsh just like the last time he mentioned her. That girl? The way he says it makes my hands turn into balls ready to attack. 

Let go, He’s your father after all.  

“I’m playing the league for my friend Maxine’s play and working to afford lunch.” I say as my eyes avert to a teenage couple holding hands and laughing. I wonder if people looked at me and Zareena and longed for what we had. 

“Maxine? Is that a boy or a girl?” I could just lie but I’m nearly 21 and he’ll see right through me. 

“Girl” I say meeting his tired hazel eyes.

“Musa you’re a muslim man what I tell you about being friends with women?” He says gently but the usual tea shop sippers have their eyes on us. “You told me that it would lead to Zina. But that’s not true I don’t like my female friends like that.” Thank everything in the universe and beyond he never found out about my other girlfriends.” As I stare down at my glazed donut and briefly hearing the lecture of what a terrible Muslim I am from my father I hear it “It’s time you get married!” I look him in the eyes once again and flatly say “No”. He doesn’t say anything for so long that I spot another disgustingly cute couple walking down the streets. “So when do you plan on getting married?” Never, When the moment is right, Why is that a concern… my mind juggles back and forth for an answer. “I don’t know Baba I can barely afford to live by myself much less with a wife.” I say. “You act like I don’t pay half your rent for that fancy apartment.” He says smiling for some odd reason. “Exactly I can’t even afford a place and you want me to get married?”. His smile is bigger this time “ Brother Hamzah daughter Yasmine is 20 and you know he owns that sneaker shop so…” 

“So what?”

“I told him I had a son that’s studying to become a pharmacist-”.

“Studied cause I got kicked out of the program and you know that.” I say loud enough for the tea sippers to hear. 

“Well that’s just a formality soon you’ll get back in the program and anyways his daughter is also studying pharmacy and he would like to meet with us. Nothing serious just to get to know him and maybe in the near future you and Yasmine can get married and open up a pharmacy” WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MAN IS SAYING. He lost his damn mind today. “ You're joking? I told you I’m not getting married. You have three other children's weddings to look forward to but not mine.” His nostrils start to flare and then I hear it “ You’re a disappointment. You get kicked out of the pharmacy program after all the money I paid, You don’t pray or attend mosques, Got kicked out the track team, speak to me like i’m your equal,talk to all these girls and do god knows what with them, smoke and the list goes on but now I'm asking you to think about marriage as part of your deen and tell me no. This is all that whore’s fault.” He says getting up leaving money for our meal. “You weren’t always like this. I try so hard but I can’t even look at you anymore. You're too far gone. This was your last chance. I don’t want anything to do with you at all.” As he gets up all I say is “She’s not a whore. And she didn't, she didn’t change me she made me realize who I am.” I say holding back the tears that so desperately want to seep out. “She made you realize you're a disappointment?Good look Musa especially with the bills.” 

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     10:35am

He’s told me all of this before and it pissed me off but never hurt. Today it does. I sit silently crying staring out the window. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

12:35

       I’m walking through the cemetery as I do everyday to get home. Sometimes I feel as though someone’s watching me but it’s probaly my imagination playing tricks on me. I decided to call up Alan because I had so much to ask him after all this time.

“Hey it’s Musa”

“Musa what’s going on?”

“Just walking in a cemetery alone, about to head home.” I wasn’t quite sure what to say to my former panhandler best friend who disappeared 2 and a half years ago without a trace. 

“Ahh cemeteries are a great bunch of people of souls there but none can tell me shit. Anyways I’m heading to a little get together with my girlfriend’s friends around bushwick. Wanna join me like old times?” 

Old times 

Despite Alan’s living situation and unkempt appearance he had several girlfriends. He even introduced me to one of his girlfriend’s cousins named Zareena Hill. There my mind goes bringing her back up for no good reason. When I should be thinking about my father’s words, my assignment for class and even how lucky I am to see Alan again. But no. Half my thoughts have to be about her. I’m starting to think I need therapy at this point.

“Musa?You still there” he says 

“Yup, my mind was just thinking about old memories and yeah sure send me the address and I’ll meet you”.

1:16pm

I would like to say I’m pretty familiar with my city but bushwick just isn’t familiar to me. I’ve been here a couple of times to visit Analia Agello, a foreign exchange student from Italy. She wanted me to meet her family but, once her father heard about me the mysterious half somalian and pakistanti boy it’s safe to say that our budding relationship was over for good. That was a while back yet nostalgia permeates the air for sure as I pass through the brownstone buildings. I decide to call Alan cause I’m a block away from where he is. 

“Hey I’m a block away”

“Great! I’ll be waiting by the door waving my hand like the lunatic you know I am” he said super jolly even more than the creepy santa at the mall would. 

Sure, enough he was there waving his hand with a huge grin despite the old ladies across the street shaking their heads at him. Alan jumps from the stairs and into my arms and this time the hug is bigger and longer. 

“Man I’ve missed you” he says

“Relax man it’s been a few hours since we last saw each other.” I say pulling him into another hug. 

“Ah, bromance I love it!” screamed a familiar voice. I look up to see a tall dark skin woman with a dyed pink buzz cut. I smile at her as I desperately try to remember her name. 

“Musa, how have you been?” she says while I try to remember her name and it’s honestly not my fault that Alan had so many girlfriends with names so similar. There was Shaleenah, Shania, Ameenah, ughhh Shaziah. Her name is Shaziah!

“ Well good for the most part. What about you Shaziah?” She smiles bigger when I mention her name and proceeds to tell me about her modeling career and how she reunited with Alan. I was listening until she walked in. Zareena Hill. Oh.My.God.

1:45pm

How can I think about a girl every hour of the day and not expect to see her here? Shaziah is literally her fucking cousin. How could I forget that huge detail? 

“Calm down for just one second please” says Alan as placid as he can.

“How could I? She disappeared just before we decided to move in together”

“You have every right to be sad or angry. Any emotion you want but right now let's just walk around the block. We do and I fill him in on all the highs of being with her and the only low was when she left. Then, the crying was about school, my dad and just everything.As I cry and talk he puts his hand on my shoulder and says,

 “ Maybe today won’t be a great day but that doesn’t mean your life will always be like that. I used to sleep in different couches every night, then one lucky day I found a hundred dollars and I bought a bus ticket to philadelphia to see my grandma and my life changed” 

I wiped the tears from my eyes to look at him “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“At that time in my life I felt like a waste of space and I thought if I left everyone’s life would be better without me” he says with a single tear flowing down his eye. 

“Oh Alan I didn’t know” 

“Yeah, I guess we all have a sad story that we keep folding up in our back pocket that never gets to see the light.” He says smiling big like he always does. 

“So Alan, what exactly do you do now?”

“I thought you’d never ask besides being a model I think Shaziah told you. I'm working on being a singer.” He says playing with his curls. 

“ Why didn’t I think of that? You have one the best voices I've ever heard. And I’m not just saying that to be nice.”

“ Thanks I believe you because you don’t know how to be nice,I still remember the ways you would reject anyone” he says laughing. 

“That’s a fat lie, I’m a gentleman and should we head back?” I ask

“You ready?”

“ Yeah I guess so. But wait-” I say as he cuts me off

“What now Musa?”

“ Does it look like I’ve been crying?”

“Well you always look like you just sliced some onions. That’s your face. Mr.sad boy.” 

We both laugh and everything has been known to be funnier when Alan said it.

“What about Mr.In touch with his feelings”

“How is that better?”

2:50pm

There’s about a dozen people here and Shaziah is telling everyone to quiet down as soon as we get inside. 

“ Y’all like this place?”

Some say yeah and others just smile.

“Well Zareena is moving out next month. My girl is moving to LA to pursue her career in acting.”

They’re all clapping and saying congrats. While I just stare Zareena down. I thought I’ll never see her again and there she was. She keeps her eye on Shaziah talking and tries to look at anything but me. It’s like I don’t exist in her eyes. 

“Anyways without my little cousin around anyone interested in renting her room. Let me know later but right now y’all help me set up for this party.” She says smiling at her cousin.

The group gets up and Shaziah starts assigning roles for everyone. How did I end up at my ex-girlfriend's going away party with no invitation?” As I try to make sense of it all for the millionth time today she comes walking towards me.

“Sorry” she says so softly it almost sounded like a whisper.

“For?” 

“This whole thing.”

“What whole thing”

She takes a deep breath and walks me to her room that I never got to see in person when we were together. Only through facetimes would I see her room, she always had an excuse as to why I could know where she lived. All the little things I just ignored cause I loved her so much.

“Musa, you okay?”

“Yeah until I saw you” honestly I’ve never told her anything mean so it felt so weird coming out my mouth.

She takes a deep breath and holds my hands. I remember holding her hand would give me peace and now I felt nothing but coldness.

“I’m sorry okay. A million times sorry. I thought if you came today that I could fix everything.”

“What do you mean? You expected me here.”

“ Let me explain,” she says, still holding my hand. I don’t pull away because deep down I want everything to go back to normal.

“Okay”

“ Since Alan and Shaziah got back together he’s been bothering me to give him your number. And honestly if you had social media like a normal person he would have found you without my help. Instead I told him where you’d be because you’re pretty predictable every hour of the day. And then Shaziah basically forced him to find a way to get you to this party and without telling him I would be here. Because you wouldn’t want to come if you knew I was here.”

“No I would have still come. I missed you like crazy”

She smiles.

“But, now I’m over it.”

1 YEAR LATER

     I left that day happier than I ever felt in months. I may have never found out the reason why Zareena left me in the first place but, I didn’t care anymore. Despite Alan lying to me I somehow forgave him.Well Shaziah begged me to talk to him. Which was a good decision since now I rent Zareena’s old room and they helped me get signed to the same modeling agency as them. Me and Baba don’t speak anymore and as sad as that seems. I don’t mind it. I can finally live my life without his input.

7:45pm 

“Yeah babe I'm waving like a lunatic with Alan.”

“ANALIA AGELLO” Alan screams looking for her.

And there was the girl I thought I’ll never see again.